Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Examined Life

The IFC Center is currently showing a documentary showcase of several modern philosophers called Examined Life.

Filmmaker Astra Taylor does a good job of adding kinetic energy to the stream of (essentially) lectures by putting each subject in a public area, mostly around New York. Topics of philosophy touch on consumerism and ecology, but the threads are mainly connected by the idea of meaning (or lack thereof) in existence and the individual’s connection with society.

Although certain theories such as Social Contract are alluded to, Taylor manages to steer clear of getting mired in a historical survey of philosophical thought. That frees her to let the subjects focus on their own modern ideas.

The film succeeds in keeping the speakers focused, without diverging on too many tangents. While it shows that the filmmaker has the skill to converge it all into a tight film, it’s hard not to feel like there wasn’t enough meat to the exploration. Each person had 10 minutes to get across their entire philosophy, when it's easy to see how they could’ve gone on for hours and hours. Thus Examined Life comes across as an overview of ideas, without being able to really explore the depths or details of those ideas. I suppose that’s not a knock on the film but more an observation on the limitation of the format. Taylor herself admitted to the amount that had to get cut out.

Afterwards, my friend wondered aloud if the people in films just talked endlessly about philosophy. My guess would be yes, but I took issue with some of the subtle allegations in the film that there is no middle ground in between being a deep thinking, cerebral citizen of the world and the mindless, uncaring, consumerist automaton.

While waiting for the showtime, my friend and I were drinking beers talking about plans for our next pub crawl. Is that not okay? Do we have to be dissecting the nature of man every hour of every day? I love philosophy and examining our nature, which is why I thoroughly enjoyed this film, but I don’t feel compelled to have to do that exclusively. I take enjoyment in mindless, stupid things as much as deep, thought provoking matters. I think it’s in our nature to have those dichotomies and juxtapositions.

One of the topics that I enjoyed the most was Cornel West speaking that there is no definitive goal or meaning in life, and what that means for our concept of “failure”. And while each philosopher had his or her own concept of “meaning”, whether there is one or not, they seemed to agree that we are social creatures who have an intrinsic need to interact.

As an only child who has always had strong loner tendencies, it made me wonder about my own views towards the nature of society. I’ve come to whole-heartedly believe that we need that interaction and contact to live “meaningfully”. Living in New York City, I can’t help but be constantly exposed to people. I wondered what my inclination are towards people I meet or strangers on the street. Do I automatically have trust and respect in those I don't even know?

Several of the companies I’ve worked for have a philosophy of making sure you do your work on the assumption that other people are lazy, slow, incorrect or dumb. Expect that clients will not give you the correct information, or predict that the printer will be late in fulfilling the order. That inherent mistrust for others seemed awkward for me. Although there were instances which proved that theory true, I have a feeling that those negative, paranoid thoughts had much to do with my unhappiness at those jobs.

My thoughts also led me to my parents, who more than anyone I’ve ever known, believe that the default inclination of human beings is to be good. They put trust and faith in people to points which make me uneasy. Yet my mom will still clutch her purse with a deathgrip at restaurants, even upscale ones. It reminded me again of our often contradictory thinking.

Not sure where I was going with the end of this post, but the film got some of those mental gears turning, which is the point of the film, and why I enjoyed it so much.

But Coraline in 3-D was also pretty awesome.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Family Feud (Election ‘08 edition)

This upcoming Presidential election is definitely one for the history books. Case in point, I sent an email out to my family to make sure everyone’s safe from the imminent hurricane off the coast of Texas and it quickly turns into a political debate.

It’s a good look into opposing views, which I have had a hard time gauging in New York. I’m presenting the entire email chain here, not to ridicule anyone or push one candidate over the other, but to offer a glimpse into what’s driving some people to make their choice.

To protect my family's anonymity, I replaced everyone’s name with characters from The Office. The names are randomly selected so don’t try to read into any meaning behind why I picked who. (I’m Toby, by the way.)

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From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 9:04 AM
Subject: Everyone safe?

Just wanted to know if everyone is out of harm’s way, especially any family members in Houston.


Also, a glimpse at who could be our VP... (it’s pronounced “nu-cle-ar” not “nu-cu-lar”)
http://gawker.com/5048884/worst-of-sarah-palins-first-interview

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From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 9:31 AM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


Phyllis called Jan and she said that Michael doesn’t want to evacuate because he still have some business meeting at TI. I really don’t get it.

Are you not a Palin supporter?? did you hear her said Nu-cu-lar? I can’t really tell. may it is just an Alaskan’s accent

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From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 9:44 AM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?



My friend Dwight isn’t evacuating either. What the heck? It’s a freaking hurricane!

Only if Incorrect is a regional accent of Alaska. Ok, I’m picking on Palin, but I’m more concerned about her not even knowing what the Bush Doctrine is. I think a potential Vice President (and possible President if McCain kicks the bucket) should be a bit more informed on current political policies.

That’s just me.

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From: Oscar
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 9:45 AM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


Go Obama!

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From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 10:01 AM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


Ok!! what does Obama know??? Everybody can said “CHANGE” Even Andy and Ryan when they were 2 yrs old and got a dirty diaper

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From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 10:31 AM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


Analyzing “change” as per specific policy topics:
http://www.sltrib.com/ci_10398518

“Change” as per Obama’s overall political ideology:
http://runningforamerica.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-does-obama-mean-by-change.html

Comparing Obama and McCain’s stances on each issue:
http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/issues/

Obama’s DNC speech transcript:
http://www.demconvention.com/barack-obama/

If you’re inclined to find out really indepth (I let Jim borrow this, ask him if you want his take):
http://www.amazon.com/Audacity-Hope-Thoughts-Reclaiming-American/dp/0307455874/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221231830&sr=8-1

What stood out in Obama’s speech for me in particular was his proposal for us to become totally 100% independent from the Middle East in 10 years. That’s a bold, ambitious, TANGIBLE stance he just made. But it’s similar to JFK’s goal to land on the moon before the end of the decade in the 60’s. It seemed impossible at the time, but he set the bar and sometimes you need a definitive deadline to propel you to achieve something. And Obama’s plan doesn’t include raping the natural wildlife refuge in Alaska for a 9 month supply of oil.

Oil and energy have been dictating our foreign policy for way too long. It’s a main cause for why the entire Middle East hates us, why we have to succumb to whatever Saudi Arabia wants, why automakers can’t put out a completely gas-independent vehicle. Even though GM successfully created a viable, economic, 100% electric car YEARS AGO. ( http://www.amazon.com/Who-Killed-Electric-Martin-Sheen/dp/B000I5Y8FU/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1221233081&sr=8-1 – watch and be appalled.)

Look, each politician will spew out rhetoric and every news agency will be slanted. Look at both sides and judge for yourself.


Love,
Toby

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From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 11:22 PM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


Obama is wishy washy on several issues.

Strategic Petroleum Reserve
Would suspend buying oil for the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Said during an August 4, 2008, speech that the U.S. should sell 70 million barrels of oil from the reserve for less expensive crude oil. Earlier this year, Obama said he did not think the country should use the strategic oil reserves “at this point.” He said on July 7: “I have said and, in fact, supported a congressional resolution that said we should suspend putting more oil into the strategic oil reserve, but the strategic oil reserve I think has to be reserved for a genuine emergency.”

Offshore drilling
Previously was against lifting federal government restrictions on offshore drilling, but appeared to modify his position in an August 1 statement that supported a bipartisan legislative effort that would expand offshore oil drilling. Part of the statement read: “I remain skeptical that new offshore drilling will bring down gas prices in the short-term or significantly reduce our oil dependence in the long-term, though I do welcome the establishment of a process that will allow us to make future drilling decisions based on science and fact.”

I see a lot of big empty promises that sounded good but I think will NEVER materialize.

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From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 11:51 AM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


No denying that Obama has shifted his stance on issues, but McCain’s no saint on flip-flopping either:
http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/flipflops

Pot calling the kettle black.

It’s partly the nature of politicians to shift their views, whether it’s for good reasons (like having new insight or information that they previously didn’t) or for less virtuous reasons like to appease fickle voters and constituents.

A strong, decisive leader is great, but it’d also be nice to have someone who could rectify a mistake instead of plowing ahead without acknowledging that he/she was wrong (a la Bush and WMDs).

Stanley, sounds like you’re pretty much pro-McCain, which I’m fine with if you’re informed and making a decision on what you think.

Everyone of us should vote. Just please don’t vote based on superficial issues like b/c Obama’s black, Palin’s a woman or McCain’s a vet.

I personally am willing to take a chance on “change” in a spirit of optimism that hasn’t been portrayed in politics in so very long. I’m not saying that Obama couldn’t be a spectacular disaster. But after what we’ve had with Bush, I’m willing to take a gamble. Maybe it’s because I’m younger and don’t have a family to support; I can be a bit more reckless with my views. But this country was not born out of “playing it safe”. Men like Abraham Lincoln, Ted Roosevelt, JFK would’ve never had a chance in the White House if people didn’t have hope.

-----

From: Creed
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 11:51 AM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


i believe this Great Country is run by a bunch of IDIOTS, not PATRIOTS they say anything to get your votes

-----

From: Jim
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 11:51 AM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


Jan told Pam last night that they were going to ride out the storm. If you ask me, it’s too big a risk to take (Katrina was a good lesson).

As for my political view, my military background might be bias but I am pro-McCain (Toby and I already had lengthy discussion about our candidates. I told Toby that Obama is an excellent speaker but he has not really done anything that shows he’s ready for the job. The economy has up and down cycles, so my real concern is terrorism which can turn this country up side down. I don’t think Obama is up to the task. Sarah Palin brings a breath of fresh air to the good-old-boy, business-as-usual Washington. She said in her interview energy independent will make our country safer and more prosperous; I couldn’t agree more. That said, vote for what you believe in.
May the best team win in November. Good to the see the enthusiasm about the future of this country.

You all have a nice weekend and check on Jan.

Love,

Jim

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From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 2:34 PM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


I just don’t see how a person without much experience in the political scene can do what he said he going to do. Does he realized that what he said in the White House if he get elected won’t be the final words? Again, What have Obama done to prove that he can lead this country? If you said that he has aides or advisors than all he is is a puppet.

Just because Bush is a screw-up doesn’t make McCain one and Obama is playing that card to get more votes.

McCain has more grit than Bush will ever dream of having any at all.

Like you said, vote for who you think is best for the country...do your research.

-----

From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 2:09 PM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


If McCain has such a lack of faith in politicians who lack experience, he shouldn’t have nominated Palin as a running mate. There’s no proof that McCain would be any more effective in pushing his agendas through the legislature any more than Obama. Abraham Lincoln took office with roughly the same amount of “experience” as Obama and he fared pretty well under arguably more dire circumstances. Not trying to directly compare Obama to Lincoln, just trying to illustrate that we really don’t know how anyone will deal with the immense pressures of such a strenuous job like the Commander in Chief. McCain could also fold under the burden. I can’t predict that for sure, no one can.

As for advisors, where are the accusations that Obama would become a puppet to them? Again, I’ll reference Lincoln, because he’s a hero of mine and I’ve done a fair amount of reading on him. Lincoln’s cabinet was comprised of more experienced, more popular, more educated politicians who each believed that they could eventually mold him to their own agendas. What happened was they ended up respecting Lincoln and working towards the same, unselfish goal of preserving the country. If you were in a leadership position, wouldn’t you seek out the most intelligent, qualified people to advise you? Or would you appoint yes-men who’s only job is to smile and nod at whatever you say?

Biden was a shrewd move for Obama because Biden is a seasoned senator who HEADS the Foreign Relations Committee and shores up areas that are perceived weaknesses in Obamas resume. Palin offers nothing in experience and her views mirror McCain’s own, thus offering nothing to round out his administration’s ideology.

Uncle Creed is right that they’ll say ridiculous things and slander the opponents (short of accusing the other of eating babies) in order to get in office. They’ve laid out many lofty ideas, and there’s no realistic way they could achieve all of them. But those ideas are a starting place, and my views align more closely with Obama’s, particularly an aggressive reform on our energy policy.

I never made a direct correlation of McCain to Bush. I don’t think it’s a valid argument. I agree McCain has more grit than Bush. I was just referencing GW to illustrate that someone should be able to adjust their stance on an issue as circumstances develop and change.

A good soldier doesn’t necessarily equate to a good president.

-----

From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 3:47 PM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


Things work differently in Lincoln’s time than now plus Lincoln has strong characteristic and less material gain influences than Obama.

I agreed that you would want to have the best people around you but you must also be able to stand on your own like Lincoln did. I don’t think Obama has it.

Biden was one of Obama’s critic and now he is his running mate? Bringing him on board is like paying him off, looks like the same old Washington way rather than “change”

It’s been fun but I am running out of things to write and probably doesn’t make much sense.

-----

From: Toby
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 3:03 PM

Subject: Re: Everyone safe?


I agree, I only started this email to make sure everyone’s safe from the wraith of mother nature.

But I have to say that saying that Obama “paying Biden off” with the VP nomination is ridiculous. All through U.S. history presidential nominees pick someone in their party to run with. Primaries pit people on the same team against each other to determine the best (kind of like Gladiator). The people vying for the nomination would ideally be the cream of the crop in your party so of course your candidates are most likely from that pool of competitors. Picking Hillary would’ve seemed like paying her off. When a winner emerges, you bury the hatchet and pool together for the greater good. Hopefully that’ll happen when we pick a president.

Now if McCain had crossed party lines to pick Hillary, THAT would’ve been change.

Have a good weekend everyone!

-----

From: Stanley
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 4:10 PM

Subject: RE: Everyone safe?


you just want to get the last word in. I read Obama bio in Wikipedia and it sounded very impressive but he probably paid someone to write it...JK

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Food for thought



I love food. I love tasting new dishes. I love talking with friends about what they eat. I love cooking. I love watching cooking shows. I wander around in gourmet grocery stores with the same lust that I once had for toy stores.

That wasn’t always the case. There was a time when my mom would have to basically force feed me. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the dinner table until I begrudgingly finished off every single grain of rice. This was in high school.

I used to bemoan the fact that someone hadn’t invented some sort of tablet to swallow that would supplant the need to eat anything for the entire day. “Imagine how much time and energy would be saved if we didn’t have to focus on eating three times a day,” I would fantasize to myself.

I consider my dad to be the biggest eating enthusiasts. Any family event or celebration would inevitably be centered around food. Wedding... Big ass feast. Birthday... Fancy steak house. Sunday... Korean Barbeque. Nothing pleased my relatives more than sitting around a large round table and devouring a menagerie of dishes.

But I couldn’t escape fast enough. Eating was the biggest inconvenience in my life. My friend’s dad once commented that I eat like a bird: “just enough to fly”.

There were a few things I did enjoy, such as McDonald’s and Pizza. But those preferences may have had more to do with the perks, like the toys that came along with Happy Meals or playing video games after choking down a few slices. Junk food and ice cream were typical fares I would tolerate. One vivid memory I have is my youngest uncle teaching me the ritual of finishing a helping of potato chips was to lick the salt and oil off my fingers and then wipe them off on my tshirt underneath my armpit. Needless to say my mom was quite horrified to observe this behavior.

Then something happened over time. I OD’ed on instant ramen in college, fast food take-out didn’t taste as good anymore, and the visual of pools of oil on top of my pizza started to turn my stomach.

Living on my own was a big factor. Spending my own hard earned money on groceries rather than, say CDs, meant that I valued the food much more. I slowly learned to appreciate the effort in cooking. I also noticed how watching friends resort to a dinner of chips and salsa upset me more than I ever thought it would.

There were of course bumps along the way. I once cooked pork chops for my then-girlfriend, proudly presented it in front of her, only to have her exclaim “Where are the sides? The vegetables?! We’re just going to have meat?” It had honestly never occurred to me before what the concept of a balanced meal was.

Moving to New York City also was another integral influence in my foodie progression. Due to crippling poverty at the time, Food Network was an invaluable (and somehow free) source of entertainment. Although whenever Rachel Ray would show her aggravating grin, I’d turn to Friends reruns on the WB. Grrr, just the thought of her again makes me want to punch her in the face. Although I never tried to emulate any of the meals on the shows, I noticed I was absorbing all kinds of tidbits and info that they dished out while preparing the meals. I watched just about every program on that channel with enjoyment. But Iron Chef is just too stressful for me. I notice my hands clenched into fists as I watch the frantic slicing and dicing.

During this time, I also discovered how this city is not geared for people to cook at home. Restaurants literally line every single block. Grocery stores are few and far in between. Even then, the quality of the food is questionable, and the temperament of the employees makes the notion of shopping nauseating. On top of all that, the kitchens in apartments are ridiculously small. Many times in my first apartment, I’d have to prep one part of a recipe, clean up in order to have room to prep the next part, clean up again and then cook. I only really noticed this issue when I went back home to visit family in Texas. The island counter in their kitchens would be the size of my entire kitchen area.

Along the way, I developed an interest in finer things related to cooking, mainly using better ingredients. I realized that the little things go a long way in turning a decent meal into a great one.

One of the things I looked forward to going back to Texas was visiting Central Market, an upscale grocery store, so that I could stock up on bulk spices. Is that totally geeky or what? I also bought a contraption that houses herbs in the fridge and keeps them fresh two weeks longer. Complete dork? Check.

While I’ve become steadily more comfortable with cooking, I’d hardly boast being any good at it. It doesn’t seem to come naturally to me. Unlike some of my friends who can adventurously whip up improvised concoctions, I need the reassurance of a recipe. Even then, I have to be very organized about my prep work. I once tried to wing Chicken Fettuccini and nearly had a heart attack trying to manage pots and pans on all four stove burners.

I was also lucky enough to find A., who is a food enthusiast that probably rivals my dad. In her, I found a buddy to indulge in all our appreciations. We’d spend lunches together describing the previous night’s dinners. And actually be interested in it. We’d go to Whole Foods and she’d gush over the fresh cheese section. I’d drool over the crab cakes.

We’re such dorks that we’d text each other what we’re having for dinner. And the other would text back and excitedly ask for more details.

For example...
My text: Just made wild swrdfsh n portugese sauce 4 dinnr!!
Her reply: Yay! Is it amazing???

As with everything in New York, no matter how intense one’s obsession is, there’s always someone else that takes it to the next level. Not just aficionados but any aspect of food has been scrutinized. Vegetarians, vegans, fair-trade activists, co-op members, restaurant critics (professional and the internets kind), local-vores. It’s amazing. And 10 years ago I wouldn’t have understood any of it.

But now I do.

I realize that eating (and cooking) aren’t just a chore, but a means for people to connect with each other. Think of all the social interactions that revolve around a meal: catching up with friends, special occasions, family barbecues, and of course dating.

This past Thanksgiving I ended up hosting dinner for all of my friends who weren’t going home for the holiday. There was something very satisfying about having a bustling kitchen crammed with my friends. Not everyone knows what they’re doing exactly, but everyone contributes and there are smiles on every face. I’m lucky enough to have a place that has become a hub for many friend dinners and I’ll treasure the fond memories they bring.

You couldn’t get that with a food-supplement tablet.

So tonight’s menu: Chimichurri Marinated Beef Flank Steak with Bell Peppers, Onions and Yellow Cucumbers over Jasmine Rice. Mmmmm!




(Amazing photos are taken from 101 Cookbooks, which continually has the most tantalizing food photos I’ve ever seen. I drool over my keyboard everytime.)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

California Love

I just recently made a long overdue trip back to California to visit family.

During the time, I got to bask in the warmth of my grandmother’s love again. But I was also outraged that my family already had her name carved out in the space next to my grandfather’s tombstone. I couldn’t believe the nonchalant practicality exhibited by some family members.

And I had my heart broken at the sight of my great aunt, who recently had a major stroke. It was gut-wrenching to see a shell of a person with only slight signs of the loving human being that used to be there.

That said, I had been looking forward to the trip as it had been years since I last visited San Francisco.

It had been so long that it was the first time I would be able to go out drinking with my cousin, Jennifer, even though she’s now 25.

It’s scary to think that, since I only see my cousins in 2-3 year increments, I have only seen them about 5 to 10 times in our entire lives. Even on my flight westward, I had mental images of them as preteen brats despite the fact that most of them were in college now.

Jennifer was the one I was especially looking forward to see again. From random updates via my parents, I recently had an epiphany that she and I were very much alike. Looking back, I began to regret how whenever I saw my family, it was inevitable that I would desperately try to spend every minute with her older brother, Will.

Will had always been the kind of guy I wanted to be. Athletic, good-looking, outgoing, self-sufficient and a natural leader. His being the oldest of all the cousins sort of gave him de facto position as the leader of us all, but it was also in his genes. And I was always the loyal follower. He was the brother I never had. He was a cool guy, older than me and willing to hang out with me.

Will also had an incredible talent for mischief which resulted in many of my cousins risking bodily harm and basically doing stupid shit that got us (Will in particular) in trouble with our parents.

The last few trips to San Fran, I noticed that he wasn’t around as much anymore. He had discovered a knack and desire to coach girls volleyball. At the time, I dramatized him as abandoning his role model position in our clan of cousins in order to guide strangers. But I also began to see how our cousins never really saw each other anyway, except for whenever I came into town.

While Will’s absence saddened me, it also gave me the chance to spend more time with Jennifer. It dawned on me that most of my trips, Will was working or out of town anyway, and that I probably spent as much time (or more) with her than with Will. During those days, she and I would watch TV, order pizza, play video games, and go to the mall, all the while I was counting the seconds until Will came home. I never really gave Jenn the time of day. And throughout those times she would be pining desperately to hang out with Will and I, even though we were constantly trying to chase her away.

This particular trip was a turning point in that it was the first time that I was looking forward to spending time with Jenn more than with Will.

Will was unexpectedly around the first night so the three of us plus Will’s girlfriend hit the bars. It was one of the best times I’d had in a long time. We took shots and drank ourselves stupid, and it was very satisfying.

I discovered the joy in partying with my own flesh and blood. Sure I have very close friends who I view as brothers, but this was something that they could never achieve. It felt like a primal connection that, as an only child, I never had before.

And while Will went off to shoot darts with his girlfriend, I sat next to Jenn and had a blast, laughing and talking. Although I was too drunk to remember any of our conversation.

By the end of the night, Jenn had passed out while we were at the drive-thru only stirring enough to plop onto Will’s couch. I managed to joke with Will’s girlfriend, somehow mow down a burger, notice that Will was snoring in his bedroom and finally collapse onto the floor in front of Jenn on the couch.

I woke up to my cell phone at 8 am. It was my mom. She angrily asked where I was. Then worriedly asked if Jenn was with me. Then demanded that I get back because my dad was waiting for me so we could go wine-tasting in Napa. It was 8 am.

I eventually got to spend some time with each of my cousins, even taking out my 15 and 18 year old cousins out bowling, demanding that they stay in their tiaras and dresses. (Not worth getting into the tiaras at this point.)

After all these years, it was nice to really formulate each one of them as an individual. Some were just starting to come out of their shells, and others were still in the awkward, shy teen years. I wish I hadn’t missed out on all the years before.

It turns out that Jenn has a slight interest towards living in New York. Once I found that out, I tried my best to sell her on the greatness of this city. I was excited at the prospect of having her close by. I saw it as an opportunity to get to know someone that I basically consider as my sister.

Alas, it probably won’t happen. She loves California and being close to her parents too much. And her parents would probably hunt me down for convincing her to move away. I almost fell out of their good graces already by getting her to call in sick to work so that we could party more.

I just hope I can keep in touch with her and my other cousins, and that it won’t be another five years until I see them again.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Toy story

This weekend I got a large dose of life with kids. With family in the big city for the first time, I played the dutiful role of tour guide and babysitter. It’s amazing how completely exhausting it is to just be in the general proximity of toddlers. Even after avoiding any real physical exertion, I realized how drained I was at the end of the day just listening to them try to tell me every little thought that popped into their heads.

Conversing with a kid is the equivalent of seizure-inducing channel surfing. I learned that Wesley played baseball and that his only position was shortstop... no wait, also third base and pitcher and second base and left field and Warren is an Allosaur, not a Tyrannosaur and that when he hunts down a Brontosaurus, he eats like this (chomping noises) and Wesley has the Cybertron Megatron and Warren has three different Optimus Prime toys but doesn’t have the Energon Optimus Prime and the rings of Saturn are made of asteroids and a scientist that studies bones is a paleontologist and Warren’s friend Devon caught roly-polys and gave Warren nine because he already had one and now they both have ten and then they let them go because they’re living animals and that rattlesnakes have venom in their fangs that are curved and that they bite you and suck your blood and then you die from the poison.

I think this is when my head imploded.

So with four kids ranging from 4 and 7 years old, the Times Square Toys R Us store was a necessary destination. Not to reward the kids with toys but as a means to distract them enough for the adults to catch their breath.

It’s amazing how much that place has changed since my youth. Now there’s a full-sized Allosaur roaring in the corner (but it’s not real, it’s animatronic, according to Wesley), and a dizzying array of specialized Lego pieces.

Somewhere between touring the Barbie house, digging through Legos for square red pieces and checking out the latest Bionicles, I recalled how I promised myself that I would own a Toys R Us when I grew up because I never wanted to be away from toys. Toys were the sole focus in my life. Nothing was above having toys. Eating, sleeping, school, these were mere obstacles to my obtaining and playing with as many toys as possible.

Whenever I was in the car with my parents and a Toys R Us came into view, I would fix my gaze on it until it would disappear into the horizon. It was my secret hope that the sheer, desperate display of want on my face would convince my dad to turn the car around and offer to buy anything in the store. That never happened.

Even when I was lucky enough to get into a toy store or even the toy aisle in the grocery store, I would always pick out something and wait for my mom to come along to pick me up. I never gave up hope that if I shoved the package into my mom’s face, she would be forced to accept how cool and awesome it was and that my life would be meaningless if I didn’t have it right then and there. This never happened either.

I think this effect has stunted my emotional well-being to some extent. What’s the point in showing excitement or desire over anything if it gets you nowhere? I wonder if that’s why I’m so apathetic towards any display of interest. Even if I really wanted something, I would just shrug my shoulders and think “Well, if I get it, I get it.”

But maybe that’s just a part of growing up. Most adults don’t throw tantrums and pout when they don’t get their way.

There have also been a few revelations about myself through toys. I learned early on that I am way too trusting and gullible.

In the first grade, I barely spoke english. I was pretty much ignored by my classmates except for intrusive questions about my ethnicity or someone being wowed over by my really good renderings of Transformers. Still, when one boy started wanting to play together, it was exciting. That Christmas, I got the ultimate gift: a complete set of Voltron. This wasn’t the dinky, stiff armed version that didn’t disassemble. This was the Voltron. It could bend it’s arms and legs. It could split apart into the five lions (with the removable pilots in the cockpits). And it was two feet high. I had hit the jackpot.

So naturally, I took it to Show and Tell. That day at recess, a boy from class asked to take it home to play with it. I was young, naïve and desperate for friendship so I let him take it. The next day, I asked for it back and he flat out refused. No excuses or lies. His reply was “It’s mine now.” I was too embarrassed and confused to even go tell my parents or the teacher. It was a big life lesson in not trusting people. To this day I still never confessed to my mom what happened to that toy and why she never saw it again.

One of the other moments in my life that I still clearly recall was my eighth birthday party at Chuck E Cheese (or Showbiz Pizza as it was called back in the day). I had invited half my class, including my best friend, Daniel and the girl I was in love with, Michelle. After the blur of eating pizza, the birthday song and ripping off wrapping paper, I remember standing in front of Michelle with Daniel, ridiculing her over her choice of gift for me.

“You got me Thunderclap?! He’s not even cool! He’s not even the leader of the jet Decepticons!”

“Yeah, Starscream is the leader,” Daniel chimed in. “He’s so much better! You should’ve gotten that one for Steven! You don’t understand because you’re a girl!”

I don’t even know why we were berating her. Normally, I’m so ecstatic to get not just a toy but a Transformer. Even the knock-off Transformer toys were good enough for me. Gobots, weird Japanese ones whose names I couldn’t read, or hell, even the robots that transformed into lumps of rocks. Rocks for chrissakes! Talk about lack of effort by the creators on that one.

And she just sat there tearfully and took the abuse without a word.

To this day, the recollection of this incident makes me cringe and feel like a worthless person. If I could, I’d go back in time, smack myself silly and apologize to that poor girl.

Another telling behavior was whenever I’d get a new toy that was one of the good guys (say an Autobot or a herbivore dinosaur), it wouldn’t get accepted immediately into my toy community. It would be ostracized by the others and treated like an outsider. That is until it performed a feat of selfless sacrifice to save one of the existing good guys from the bad guys. The good guys would mourn the death of the newcomer and lament the error of their ways. That is until the new toy was resurrected and accepted by everyone. This scenario I played out many, many times.

It makes me wonder how much of myself I was casting into that outsider toy and what that said of my own perception towards my peers. It makes me appreciate that there’s something more to the toys that my cousins are lusting over. And it makes me want to reach out to those cousins that are not as popular as their fellow cousins. I want to shower them with attention to show that they’re not alone or outsiders or freaks.

My parents and my uncles don’t understand it. All they see is their children’s singular obsession with obtaining toys. But while listening to Warren tell me that he’s the Blue Power Ranger and that Wesley’s the Red Power Ranger, it hit me. Adults don’t understand that the unending stream of conscious talking may actually mean something to these kids. It’s more than constant rambling. I may not get why Warren likes Batman but not Superman, or why Sarah likes Dora the Explorer but not Elmo. But what I do get is that it’s more than the material fix. These toys somehow will help define how each one of them will perceive others and themselves. That your friends are capable of being thieves. That you are capable of being an asshole. That we’re all heroes and martyrs and outsiders. That I get.